


Matchbook

by chiaroscure



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Fem!Guillermo de la Cruz - Freeform, Fem!Nandor the Relentless - Freeform, Femdermo, Fluff, Gender or Sex Swap, pining foolishness, vampires using modern technology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28390869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiaroscure/pseuds/chiaroscure
Summary: Teaching Nandor how to use dating apps feels a lot like digging her own grave, but Guillermo is trying not to be dramatic about it.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29
Collections: non-denominational winter celebrational fandom gift exchangional extravaganza





	Matchbook

**Author's Note:**

  * For [walkwithursus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkwithursus/gifts).



Buying the Blackberry so that Nandor can learn how to use dating apps feels a lot like digging her own grave, but Guillermo is trying not to be dramatic about it. Just because her master hadn’t displayed any interest in dating in the eleven years Guillermo has been her familiar means nothing: Nandor is 750 years old, so a decade-long dry spell is probably the equivalent of taking a year off to get over a breakup for her. Except that, as far as Guillermo knows, Nandor hasn’t been seriously involved with anyone — vampire, human, or otherwise — enough to need space after a breakup in at least a couple of _centuries_. So her sudden desire to get back out there is confusing, to say the least.

Again, though, Guillermo is trying not to be dramatic. The chances that this is actually for dating are pretty minimal. In all likelihood, this is some new hunting strategy she came up with — maybe even a recommendation from Colin Robinson, who is probably hoping to use Guillermo’s resulting gloom as an easy snack.

And Colin Robinson _has_ been lurking outside the library ever since Guillermo helped Nandor get the device out of the box, so that wouldn’t exactly be a surprise.

Guillermo has been miserably teaching Nandor the basics of a few different apps for the last hour, distracting herself from how depressing this is by guessing whether the questions Nandor is asking are more applicable to finding people to date or finding people to eat. It’s honestly kind of a toss-up ( _“And if I am wanting to find virgins?” “What if I am looking for somebody quickly?” “Where should I be seeking MILFs?”_ etc), which is annoying, but she never asks for apps for vampires specifically. Guillermo’s going to be optimistic that that means this is just for easy hunting.

Unless Nandor is just only into humans. Humans who aren’t Guillermo.

Guillermo is not thinking about that right now.

_Gotta stay positive_ , she repeats to herself in increasingly sarcastic mental tones. It maybe works a little bit.

Whatever positivity she has managed to scrape together, though, it has all evaporated by the time she turns in for the morning. Ever since she moved into the blue room, it’s been nice to be able to close the door to keep everyone out, and that is especially comforting today. She wouldn’t put it past Colin Robinson to come “console” her for dessert, so having a locking door is a huge boon: she really just wants to pass out and forget this ever happened. And to hope that Nandor forgets this ever happened. Nandor’s attention span isn’t always the best for these kinds of things, after all. Maybe she won’t even remember the apps by tomorrow night.

Guillermo tosses and turns sleeplessly for about an hour before giving up and pulling out her own phone to distract herself. No new messages, other than a scam call from a guy supposedly named Rex who is warning her against her “vehicle’s warranty expiring.” She wonders idly how hard it would be to figure out where people like Rex are calling from, and if Nadja and Laszlo would believe her that the must succulent virgins are to be found there. Other than Rex, there’s no new gossip in the familiar chat group, nothing particularly interesting going on in the vampire fans forum, and no emails except the ten promotional messages she gets every day trying to sell her discount cleaning supplies.

She sighs. So much for distractions.

She notices that her thumb is hovering over a pink and orange app icon, but she stops herself before she actually taps it. A while ago, her cousin downloaded Tinder onto Guillermo’s phone, and while Guillermo had opened it a few times to flick through in the years since, she gave up on that around her twenty-eight birthday. Even back when she _did_ use it, she was never serious about it. She never actually met up with anybody. She even set it up with a fake name (“Mina”) and an unrecognizable picture so that she wouldn’t be recognized, on the off chance that someone she knew came across her profile.

She taps the icon, thinking, _what the hell_. She might as well see what Nandor is going to come across, if she ends up continuing with this dating app plan.

It’s pretty much what she remembered. Lots of selfies taken in cars, straight couples looking for a third for the night, proclamations of being 420 friendly, and information about people’s astrological signs. Guillermo swipes left without second thought on profile after profile, remembering more clearly with every one why she could never get into this.

Her flicking comes to a sudden stop when the profile she just set up on the new Blackberry pops up, though. A dark-haired woman claiming to be 41 years old glows on her screen, offering her a simultaneously awkward and imposing smile. Guillermo herself typed the bio she finds upon scrolling down, but she reads it all twice anyway, trying to decide what to do.

_Fuck it_ , she thinks, before swiping right. _It’s not like we’ll match anyway._

_It’s a match!_ the screen tells her brightly.

Guillermo drops the phone on her face.

*

Nandor doesn’t know. It’s obvious Nandor doesn’t know, because of the mischievous way she keeps bringing the apps up and abruptly cutting herself short like she’s keeping a secret. She always does this when she’s excited enough about something to decide it’s none of Guillermo’s business. It’s irritating to listen to, but it’s also kind of satisfying to know that _she’s_ one of the people Nandor is talking about. So, she keeps her head down and gets on with her duties while Nandor brags.

“There are many hunters who are in these appetizers,” Nandor says, her eyes glued to her screen as Guillermo dusts a nearby lamp.

“Just apps, Master,” Guillermo corrects automatically.

“Hmm yes, maybe so,” Nandor muses. “More modern-sounding.”

Guillermo doesn’t bother clarifying her correction.

“This is a good courting strategy that they have found,” Nandor licks her lips audibly, “even though their tiny fishies will not work for me.”

_What?_ Guillermo finishes with the lamp she has been working on and takes the opportunity to peer over Nandor’s shoulder on her way to dusting the other side of the room. A muscular, sun-burnt man in a baseball cap proudly holds up a large fish — a bass, maybe? — like a trophy on the screen, but Guillermo only gets a glimpse of it before Nandor sets the phone screen-down on the sofa and glares at Guillermo.

“No peeking at my appetites for dating, Guillermo!”

Guillermo keeps moving, rolling her eyes.

“And no rolling your eyes! Very rude…”

With a little sigh, Guillermo decides the lampshades in this room are fine for the moment and carries on walking into the hallway. It’s for the best that she decided to leave her own phone on her bedside table tonight; half of the annoyance of all of this is that she still can’t tell if Nandor is seriously using the apps, messaging people and trying to set up meetings, or if she’s just flipping through profiles to see what’s out there. The temptation to check her messages would be way too distracting if Guillermo had her phone on her during all this. It’s not like it would matter if Nandor had sent “Mina” something anyway. Guillermo wouldn’t be able actually to _do_ anything about it, if she had.

The fancy room is empty, so Guillermo starts on the various surfaces in there with her feather duster. When Nandor trails in not even ten minutes later to continue idly commenting on her various prospects, Guillermo almost wishes there were more strenuous work to be done. Nandor never follows her around when she’s cleaning out the cell.

“Half of these women are saying that they are witches,” Nandor mutters. “Nadja would not like this…”

“I won’t tell her,” Guillermo assures on automatic, then frowns at sound of Nandor setting the phone irritably down on upholstery again.

“You had better not! And do not be listening to my private thoughts; those are not for you.”

Guillermo holds her tongue and keeps on working, doing her best to ignore Nandor and pay complete attention to her at once. By dawn, she still doesn’t know what Nandor’s endgame is here, and she’s beginning to suspect that Nandor isn’t sure either.

*

At some point after putting Nandor to coffin, Guillermo’s palms started sweating enough that she almost loses her grip on her phone for the second morning in a row upon finding the words, _HELLO MINA IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU_ , in a text box on her lock screen.

She sets the phone down to take a breath. Okay, so Nandor _is_ messaging people. She didn’t know that, but it’s not unexpected. How many people? There’s no knowing that. Does it matter?

…No.

No?

Maybe?

Well, okay, it doesn’t matter _yet_ , at least.

She picks the phone up again and unlocks it. The smart thing to do would be to wait until she’s pretty sure that Nandor is asleep to avoid being too conspicuous; she knows her master took her new device to coffin, so Nandor might well be looking at it in there right now. The timing would be suspicious, if she were to respond now, right after leaving Nandor’s crypt (although who is she kidding, really; Nandor doesn’t pay enough attention to her to notice stuff like that except in Guillermo’s fantasies).

She locks the phone again and stares at the ceiling, listening to her own heartbeat thrumming too fast in her ears.

She unlocks it again, looks at the message again, just to make sure she remembers what it actually says.

_HELLO MINA IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU_. 

Yep, still that.

It’s not a very good opening line, all things considered. Nandor’s caps lock problem aside, it doesn’t really give her any material to work with, no observations about the rest of her profile to show Nandor read anything other than her name. What is she even supposed to say to that? “ _Nice to meet you too, Nandor_ ”? That’s dumb; she shouldn’t even reward what Nandor said with an answer.

_Nice to meet you too, Nandor_ , she carefully types into the text box and hits send.

She frowns at the screen. Can you unsend messages on these kinds of apps…?

Her phone vibrates.

_GOOD MORNING );_

Oh no.

_*;)_

Oh _shit_.

*

A week later, Guillermo knows the following about Mina:

  * She works the graveyard shift somewhere
  * …Probably in the medical field, but she has avoided being specific about it so far
  * She’s funny in a kind of sarcastic, dark way
  * …Funny enough that Nandor has asked Guillermo how people usually express laughter on these devices, and now uses the advice regularly and liberally
  * She is not a witch
  * She studied history, or maybe art history, or something like that, which doesn’t make much sense but Nandor doesn’t seem to have noticed
  * She has type A- blood
  * Her response to being questioned about her virginity is: “lol I’m 30 years old,” which wouldn’t actually mean anything even if she was talking to somebody with a normal understanding of human aging, but Nandor didn’t ask further questions
  * She very definitely does not have any ancestors from Al Quolanudar, which she knows for sure, because she’s had her DNA tested
  * She likes hearing about things that make Nandor think of her, and doesn’t mind finding strings of back-to-back messages from her when she gets off work
  * A _lot_ of things make Nandor think of her
  * She has great chemistry with Nandor when they’re both on at the same time during daylight hours, Nandor in her coffin and Guillermo in her bed
  * She’s not sure what she would do if Nandor asked her to meet up, because Nandor hasn’t asked that yet



Guillermo would almost be jealous of Mina, honestly, if that made any sense. Often this past week, Guillermo would say something, Nandor would chuckle down at her phone, and several hours later Guillermo would check her messages to find her own words echoed back to her. The amount of time Nandor spent distracted in one-sided conversation on her phone would be incredibly annoying, if not for Guillermo’s increasing certainty that Mina is one of the only — if not _the_ only — person Nandor has been messaging.

What would make it even more annoying is that Nandor’s recent habits seem very definitely to be about dating rather than hunting, if Guillermo didn’t know that because _she_ is the one being not-hunted. She has seen how Nandor hunts, and the way Nandor texts Mina is not like that at all. Which means…

Well.

It doesn’t mean anything, because Mina isn’t real. And because this is a breach of trust: Guillermo probably should have cut this off after the first night. Failing that, she should probably cut it off tonight, since it’s been a week, and a week is enough time to spend vacationing in fantasy land but any longer than that is just self-indulgence. But since she knows she not going to cut it off tonight, she’s definitely never going to come clean about it, because that would just be embarrassing for them both.

So, in summary, it’s not hunting, it’s flirting, and it’s flirting _just with her_ , but it doesn’t mean anything, because it’s not really with her, and that’s all there is to say about it. The end.

The one benefit to come out of this has been that Guillermo is slightly more efficient her work. She keeps her phone in the blue room all night now, so that there’s no chance Nandor will see the messages appearing on her screen. Again, she’s pretty sure Nandor doesn’t pay close enough attention to her to notice the specific texts she gets, but still, better safe than sorry. She typically is good about not getting distracted so there’s not much to improve on, but every little bit counts, right?

More importantly, though, Guillermo is now _very_ motivated to get finished with everything before putting Nandor to coffin. If she finishes her chores, she gets to have the chats with Nandor that they don’t have during the night anymore, and to do so more as equals than they’ve ever chatted before. So, she speeds along, and turns in right after Nandor does (even if that occasionally means cutting a corner or two).

This is not a very good idea, in all likelihood. It’s getting addictive pretty quickly, and it’s dishonest. Besides, anything that makes her jealous of herself is too weird to be smart, she tells herself.

On the other hand, though: whatever, it’s fine, shut up.

*

Part way through the next week, Nandor gets oddly jumpy for no apparent reason. She keeps squirming as Guillermo works on her hair, taking her phone out and putting it away without looking at it, and she snaps at Laszlo for making too much noise walking past her in the hallway. Guillermo’s not sure what to make of this; there was nothing in her master’s conversation with Mina last morning to suggest anything was off (in fact, Nandor is figuring out the nuances of heart emojis by using them liberally in their chats by now). Nobody has come to visit the house recently; Guillermo can’t think of anything to be making Nandor’s leg jiggle anxiously like this.

“I am tired, Guillermo,” Nandor announces more than an hour before when she typically turns in, not looking tired at all. Her cape billows behind her as she sweeps away toward her crypt, not bothering to check if she is going to be followed. Guillermo hurries to take off the rubber gloves she’s been wearing while scrubbing a particularly stubborn stain out of a blouse, and scurries after her.

“Is there anything the matter, Master?” Guillermo chances to ask once Nandor is mostly settled in. She is answered with a glare.

“I do not want to be chatting this morning, thank you,” she snaps primly. How even does one snap primly? Guillermo just nods.

“Okay, sorry, Master. Do you need anything else right now?”

“No. You may go.”

Nandor gives a decisive flick of her hand before settling back against her pillow, arms crossed over her chest and phone held tightly in her right hand. Guillermo gives a polite smile and closes the coffin lid. This was weird, but she’s not going to turn down an opportunity to get to bed early today too; she’s ahead on her tasks, so she doesn’t need to stay up working on anything. She shuts the door to Nandor’s crypt behind her as she goes to put away what she had been working on in the library, then heads back to her own room to do her habitual check of her messages.

At first, she is disappointed to see that there are only two messages in her Tinder inbox. But then she reminds that she’s been watching Nandor pointedly not send anything all night, so she shouldn’t be surprised. If anything, she should be surprised that she has any, with how nervous and distracted Nandor has been.

Both messages were sent back-to-back hours ago, a few minutes before when Guillermo had gone to get Nandor up in the evening. The first (caps lock issues solved, by now) says, _I have been thinking that I would like to see you in personal._ And the second: _if you are also wanting to do that?_

So, that explains Nandor’s anxiety, then.

Guillermo stares at the pair of messages for a moment, mouth suddenly very dry. She anticipated that this would happen at some point; she knew this was coming. She already has a plan for this; she obviously can’t say yes; there’s no point in her heart fluttering like it is right now. She’s not going to reply.

_Oh wow!_ she replies.

She almost has a heart attack when she gets an incoming call immediately before she remembers that Nandor doesn’t have “Mina’s” number and so this _can’t_ be about that.

It _is_ Nandor, though. Guillermo gives her head a little shake to try to get a grip on herself before answering.

“Master?” she says, cursing her voice for sounding strangled. “Do you need something?”

“Guillermo could you come back in here for a moment? Please?”

Her tone is pretty neutral, but she said ‘please,’ so Guillermo figures it must not be anything too bad.

“Yes, of course, Master, just a second. I’ll be right in.”

She shoves the phone into her pocket and hurries out of the blue room and back to Nandor’s crypt, opening the lid to the coffin to find her master looking agitated but sheepish.

“Thank you, Guillermo,” Nandor greets delicately. “I just wanted to say that I did not mean to be quite so harsh with you a few minutes ago back there. I am…sorry.”

Guillermo’s heartrate, which never settled back down in the first place after seeing Nandor’s invitation, shoots up again. She wills herself not to blush, but she can feel Nandor’s eyes on her.

“Oh, that’s okay, Master. I could tell that you needed some space today; I understand. You don’t need to apologize. Is there anything else I can do, or…?”

She tries to step back to clear her head; it’s hard to think straight standing right over Nandor after everything that has happened in the last two minutes, but her master gently grabs onto her wrist.

“Actually, Guillermo, I was hoping that you would stay for a while? I am having a…a chat with someone, and it is going great and I am very confident and not scared, so if you would just stand right there until I am finished?”

Guillermo nods fondly, muscles untensing a little. “Sure, no problem, Master.”

Nandor gives her a small smile and hits a button on the device in her hand.

Guillermo remembers that her own phone is in her pocket a split second before its vibration disrupts the calm quiet in the room.

_Crap._

She stares at Nandor.

Nandor stares back at her. Then, she glances around, as if searching for the source of the noise, just a hint of confusion showing between her eyebrows when brings her focus back to Guillermo’s face.

Slowly, Guillermo takes out her phone to check the message there, the follow up to Nandor’s invitation to Mina: _it is O K A if no <3_

She stares at the text for a few seconds, trying to will her face not to burn obviously. Judging by the way Nandor is looking at her when she glances back up, she has not succeeded. Nandor lowers her gaze to type something quickly again before returning her gaze to Guillermo with growing inquisitive intensity.

Guillermo flinches when her phone vibrates in her hand again. She takes a deep breath before reading the text: _Guillermo?_

“I’m _so_ sorry, Master.” The words are flying out of her before she can even check for Nandor’s reaction. “I already had the app; I never use it, I just wanted to see what was on it when you got it; I never expected it to show me your profile and I _definitely_ didn’t expect to match with you, but I should never —”

“Guillermo —”

“— never should have responded to you, and if I was going to do that I should have told you who I was instead of lying; I just —”

Nandor sits up straighter in her coffin and puts her hands on Guillermo’s caved-in shoulders. “ _Guillermo_ —"

“— I just got carried away; I kept telling myself I’d stop but it seemed like you liked me — or Mina, not me, Mina, we’re the same person but I guess it’s not the same, to you — and it was so nice talking to you _for real_ , not just as your familiar, so —”

“ _Guillermo!_ ” Nandor repeats more forcefully, and then there are hands cupping the corners of Guillermo’s jaw and cool lips pressing softly but insistently against hers, and so she stops talking and just stands there, every thought that was in her head a second ago vanishing into thin air.

Nandor pulls away after a couple of seconds, but keeps her hands where they are on either side of Guillermo’s neck. Her expression communicates an unusual combination of vague irritation, satisfaction, and shyness that Guillermo isn’t sure she has ever seen on her before.

“You have been enjoying talking with me?” she asks, a waver of fragility hiding in her tone.

Guillermo blinks at her, no doubt looking very stupid but unable to pull herself together yet. “Yeah, of course.”

“Not only because you are my familiar and you are expected to enjoy talking with me? You have been actually liking doing that?”

“Yeah. Yes. I, um, a lot.”

The corners of Nandor’s eyes crinkle ever so slightly like she has just won something. “So what would you have said about meeting with me?”

“Oh, I, I wasn’t sure,” Guillermo stammers. “I thought I probably shouldn’t meet up with you, since it would have given me away as being, well, me?”

Nandor is looking more entertained by the second. “You should not have been worrying about that. You do not hide who you are _that_ well, Guillermo.”

Guillermo swallows. “What? I — you knew it was me?”

“No,” Nandor says, all but preening now, “but it is not very surprising. I am already not surprised anymore, and it has only been a few seconds since you have told me. You are not very good at disguises.”

Guillermo can’t decide if that’s a relief or not. “Oh.”

“That is okay; we will work on that. If you were better at it you might not have been very much fun to talk to.”

Nandor inspects her for a few seconds, grinning. Guillermo still can’t do anything but gawk at her.

“You are seeming very startled right now, Guillermo,” Nandor comments. Guillermo nods, jostling the gentle hands that are still cradling her neck.

“Yes.”

“Hm.” Nandor frowns as if she’s thinking, but her eyes are as bright as they’ve ever been. “Would you like for me to kiss you again?”

“I. Um. Yes, please.”

So she does.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy exchangional! I hope you enjoyed it :D


End file.
